This time of year is very stressful for me. I’m having a flare of my MS symptoms. My vision is blurry. My mind is very cloudy, its very hard to focus and think clearly. I’m having migraines more frequently. The pain is more prevalent, the electrical shock sensations are more intense. My balance is off and I’m just completely exhausted. Everything that I do normally like walking is draining.
My head is cloudy…my thoughts are confused, there’s pain all over. I’ll just lie here because I don’t know what else to do.
Please bare with me…
This time of year is very difficult for me because on 12/28/09 my Mother changed her address. I don’t have her to talk too so I can hear her say “everything is going to be alright.” I’ve been through so many changes since left. You only get one mother and it hurts when she is gone.
I see why people drink and do drugs when they’re in pain. I don’t do drugs and very rarely do I drink. When people see me and they know I have MS the first thing that they say is “Well, you sure don’t look sick.” I am glad it doesn’t show. The pain I have never goes away. I never get a break it never lets up. Sometimes I could just pull my hair out. Pain in my fingers, pain in my toes, muscle spasm in my legs muscle spasms on my side muscle spasms in my arms muscle spasms in my neck. I have an electrical sensation in my feet and hands. It feels look I touched a light switch that is not grounded. So far I have wrote about 3 or 4 topics. I have not been able to focus on anything today. My mind has been all over the place. I’m learning to meditate and be very kind and gentle to myself. All that takes time. My life has been very difficult for as long as I can remember. I don’t mistreat people, I will give you my last, I will go out of my way to make sure you have what you need and you’re happy. God changed the path I thought He had me on. I don’t know what I’m suppose to be doing. Where I’m suppose to be going? Anything could happen, everything is uncertain. Having this disease really makes me feel stupid because of the way it’s affecting my brain. What is to become of me? These are some of my concerns. I can never truly make a plan for tomorrow because I don’t know how I will feel in the morning when I wake up.
I mentioned in a past blog that I was having symptoms for MS for 7 years before I was diagnosed. I believe if I was diagnosed earlier and given treatment I would not be having the difficulties I’m having now. By the time I was diagnosed I was having a significant amount of trouble walking and talking.
That brings me to the cane I am using. I was completely aware that my balance was off. It was one of the first symptoms. However using the cane has shown me exactly how unsteady my balance is and that I need to rely on assistance. With this in mind it makes me think that I am getting worst. In physical therapy, I am working hard to get strong enough to where I don’t need the cane or any assistance with walking. I don’t want to have to use anything to help me walk.
Then there was an assessment done for my memory yesterday. Now I have been complaining about not being able to focus and retain information for a very long time; years to be exact.
Also, I complained about when having a conversation I forget what I wanted to say or what I was saying. I even have difficulty with the flow of the conversation because I’m searching to find the words I’m trying to say. Which brings me back to when I originally complained about what was happening. Once again, if I received the treatment that I needed I firmly believe I would not be having the significant issues and difficulties I am having now.
Not to mention I applied for disability over 19 months ago. I’ve been denied twice and I’m presently waiting on a hearing date. I have been waiting for just the date for over 7 months. I can very easily call this RAGE.
I apologize for being away for so long. I have not been feeling well and under alot of stress. I will be posting something very soon.
Peace & Blessings